So here I am, week 2...reviewed chapter 2 in Real Happiness...cued up the guided body scan meditation that Sharon tweeted today...laid down in bed...and pressed play.
Immediately I am hit with a slight uncomfortable feeling: I don't think I like laying down for meditation, at least tonight I don't. OK, deep breath and relax. Top of the head - neutral feeling, maybe a slight tingly sensation. Scanning the face - neutral again. Top of the head again, work down the sides of the face - neutral. Neck - neutral. Shoulders - neutral. Back - neutral. Stomach - yeah, I could soften that a little.
BOOM - lost in thought, story, plans...I don't really remember, but boy was it a ride. The next thing I know the meditation is over. Was there even a bell? I don't know...
If one thing has stuck in my head over this last week...the #RealHappiness #MeditationChallenge (correct hashtags, yo!), the blogging, reading other blogs...it was the instruction to start over, again and again. So, my practice tonight wasn't I intended. My practice tonight included the monkey mind entertaining a visit from Mara. Eh, big deal. I can start over, again and again. I see you Mara! No need to beat myself up, judge myself and label myself a "bad meditator". I do believe I have practiced enough Metta and forgiveness to give myself a break.
"Right now, it's like this." - Ajahn Sumedho
Another thing I've learned along the way is that if something is hard for me to do, then it probably means I REALLY need to do it, especially when it comes to my meditation practice. I'm excited to have something to work with this week....laying down, walking, whatever. I can start over, again and again. It's totally OK. I'm totally OK. Whoever is reading this is SO totally OK.
It's almost midnight here in California and I feel honored to be a part of this. I might just go to bed, I may sit again, or I might read for awhile. Whatever I choose, I still care for myself, deeply.
Right now, it's like this.
-gary sanders
Against the Stream
Comments
thank you!
Thanks Against the Stream (LOVE you guys - was at the first east coast 5 day retreat in September) Thank YOU for being so freely honest. I did the same thing last night - lay down and tuned into Sharon's body scan audio. I shared had the same immediate thought "don't like lying down meditating." I drifted off in thought as well - for most of the meditation - as did my husband. He fell asleep. Thought to myself, "Well, that was useless." "I'm useless." "I did a bad meditation." You're so right that Sharon's invitation to begin again and again is so soothing and makes me feel so accepting of myself. My head trash is "little miss perfect" and it feels so good to let go of this through meditation. More body scanning tonight. Thanks for blogging.
@889christine
the judging mind
Hi Christine,
Are you still wearing your 1%er spiritual revolutionary batch? I'm sure Noah handed those out after the retreat was over, right? I heard that was a great retreat.
So, I think we have all beat ourselves up enough, our whole lives, there's really no reason to beat ourselves up anymore, especially over our practice. Let go, let go, let go, or even just "let it be"...showing ourselves the same kindness a mother would show her only child. Maybe this one difficult or challenging sit might be the best teacher we have ever had, giving us direction or motivation to carry on. Maybe this was just a kind of unpleasant sit...and that's it, that's all it has to be. We aren't defined by our problems or difficulties, it's not who we are.
Right now, it's like this....and I get to start over again in this moment.
Sending metta in your direction- gary