Sometimes it seems like the universe is conspiring to bring out the worst in me. This week I was preliminarily diagnosed with a medical condition that, although not life-threatening, is not trivial either. Another appointment scheduled next week to learn more. Meanwhile, here is the “bringing out the worst” part: This particular condition happens to be the subject of controversy among the medical profession. Many differing views about the precise diagnosis and correct treatment, and even which medical specialty it belongs to. This is the perfect set-up to drive me nuts. Instead of waiting to hear what the doctor has to say, I have spent a marathon weekend studying for my Google PhD on the subject. I have now: re-diagnosed myself with a related but slightly different condition; identified the reigning expert on it, who of course is in California; and read up on a number of existing treatments, including that they are unlikely to work and why. And much more.
The truth is, I’m scared and upset – but instead of sitting with those feelings I’m surfing the Internet to try and gain an illusion of control over the situation. After two days of this, I decided I would do the loving-kindness meditation, but that no one was going to get any loving kindness except me, who so totally deserved it. In the end I did include my best friend, who is so nice that I sometimes resent her for it. Today I just sent her thanks for being the kind of person I'd like to be myself.