I had decided to do the body scan meditation today -- it seemed like a good next step, and I figured I could use the audio, that it would be a help. But when it came right down to it, I didn't want to. I have been pretty body-obsessed since emergency surgery, but I am not quite ready to check-in, I think, in that way.
So I just sat. And I thought. And I sat. And I thought. And so on. And at a certain point I arrived at the place I have pretty much been at since the beginning of the month -- that meditation feels hard, that I think it should feel easier, that being in a big experience in life does not win you any free passes for the daily task of sitting.
And then I came to a place, which started during (naturally...think think think...) meditation but lingered afterwards -- my mind has had to do a lot of work in these past months -- it's had to advocate for my health while on narcotics, it's had to arrange medical leave, sort through medical bills, argue with insurance agents, argue with receptionists, nurses, fedex drivers and anyone else found lacking in helpfulness and sympathy. It's been in overdrive and burdened and yet, in my rejection of a true meditation practice throughout, it's also been pampered and indulged and allowed to run riot.
My poor mind -- it's like Lindsay Lohan: talented and charming yet entitled and spoiled and not quite willing to grow up. It's been kicking back and doing some underage drinking, sucking back White Russians and smoking cloves, it's covered in lip gloss and Juicy Couture. It's wearing Uggs. Is it any wonder that when I sit down to meditate my mind rebels? That it rolls its eyes and goes, you cannot seriously expect me to sit here.
Bratty as it is, though, I wound up with a lot of compassion for my mind today. I feel for it -- what with my back getting all the attention all these months! And I feel a lot of spaciousness, as if there is plenty of time to get back on track. My mind might not always like it, but it is essentially a good kid, and I am hopeful we can sit quietly together at least some of the time.