I just can't believe there are only a few days of the meditation challenge left! I'm noticing some results I think: I'm feeling very empowered and capable of meditating, instead of intimidated by the idea of finding my seat.
I don't know that I'm a significantly nicer, more centered person yet...but maybe that's asking for too much in just four weeks!
I've been working with the Loving Kindness meditation the last couple days. This is one for which I'm really grateful for the guided meditation cd track, because on my own I get caught up in trying to spend roughly the same amount of time on each person or group of people I'm sending loving kindness to. Today I hope to try one of the other meditations in the book. It always takes me a few days of focusing on the main one before I feel comfortable branching out.
I'm very intrigued by the meditation that featured picturing a circle of supportive, loving people in your life sending loving kindness to you. And before I even sit down to do the meditation, just thinking about it, makes me feel like a really selfish person! Shouldn't I be more interested in sending loving kindness to those in need? And thoughts like that mean sending more loving kindness to myself: remembering that though I'm not perfect, I contain deep wells of love and generosity. That though I have certainly hurt people in the past, I have helped and comforted, too, and am deserving of loving kindness and appreciation. Like all beings, I want to be happy, and I'm attempting to get more skilled at it.
I've been letting the idea that other people's success doesn't take away from my own happiness or journey roll around in my heart the last few days, too. I am definitely susceptible to terrible attacks by the green-eyed monster! Sharon's idea that when we feel jealous or angry at someone who has experienced success or joy it's because we think on some level the karma got routed wrong, and we were supposed to get that good thing instead really resonates with me. I had never put that together before.
When I look at it that way, it does seem silly. Will I ever be totally free from hurt and resentment when someone I know gets something I wanted and/or thought I deserved? It's hard to say; I'm only human, but I hope to be able to understand those feelings, and cultivate a healthier relationship with them. I hope to remember that my actions aren't chosen by, and my being is not defined by, those feelings rising up in me. I do have the power to choose to be glad for someone else's success, to trust that my own will come along when the time is right.