Today I ran 3 miles on the treadmill at the gym. I literally watched the clock second for second until I reached my goal time of 28:00. I spent all four years of my high school career staring at the clock. I watched it so often, I can still tell you what time each period ends. In college, I watched the clock during my lacrosse games. There were only about 16 games in a season, and I loved to play, but I still watched the game clock count down to 00:00 in every single game. In yoga class, where there typically aren’t any accessible clocks, I’ve been known to check my neighbor’s wrist for a watch. What am I rushing to? Why is the future so important? The truth is, I have no idea. Since I can remember, I’ve always been a clock watcher without a purpose.
This is one of the main reasons I know meditation will be good for me. It’s the reason I took this challenge on with gusto. However, this is also the reason I’ve been having trouble meditating during my past two sessions. Rather than relishing the time to myself to tune into my breath and clear my mind, I’m wondering how many minutes are left. My back aches, my brain races, and all I can think about is when the torture is going to be over.
I’m optimistic that this will get easier, and I look forward to becoming someone who appreciates the moment. Until then, I’ll be sure to keep all time pieces far away from my meditation space.