In a moment of spaciousness inside this early morning’s meditation I think I discovered a truth about myself. I hide and I seek. I have gone into a small room off the hallway to meditate. The doors is shut. I can hear my husband is up for the day. His heels landing hard against the bare wooden floor as he walks the narrow hallway between our bedroom and the kitchen. He's making coffee and then forgetting something he needs in the bedroom. My privacy has been intruded on. I feel myself contracting wishing he would go away. I am hiding in my own body. Crouching down not wanting to be seen. I take the spaciousness I had a moment ago away from myself, he didn’t. I know that as a kid I was often scared of my Father and as a protective act I ran away upstairs to my mind and out of my body. I sit in meditation and do not run upstairs. I sit with the sensation of a pit in my stomach and with the sensation of wanting to run and hide. As I allow myself to just sit with that sensation of wanting to hide -with the awareness of a gripping in my gut slowly an awareness of who I really am emerges. I am found.
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Day 17
I have missed 3 days of meditation- I feel good that I have not beaten myself up about it but accepted the fact that I am doing the best I can- Day 14 I travelled alone with a 3 and a 6 year old from Utah to Florida arriving very late at night - Day 15 and 16 I have been taking care of them by myself- Needless to say the days have been full- Here I am at Day 17 again caring for them but feeling a bit more settled back in Florida so have made the time at 9:30PM- The meditation has definitely brought more centeredness to my time with them- I am also more playful and less attached to what is happening- Like returning to the breath I am returning to the meditation-
Day 13
A day of learning. Learning to ski in deep powder. Lesson. We can always lean no matter how old we are. Such fun and exhilarating. Today I was very aware of kids energy and how they can pull me out of myself and my center. That doesn't help them. So......today I was very aware of my voice level and whether I was centered or not. 50% of the time I was able to do it. Amazing children are such a reflection. I am taking my two grandchildren age 6&3 with me to Florida tomorrow and will be alone with them for 2 days. Lots of time to practice. Paying attention with no judgement except to learn . The journey for sure.
Day 12
I didn't sleep well last night. So many judgements flowing thru my mind. When I finally did sleep and then wake I was not attached to not sleeping and I accepted the day. A change. Lots of powder today which I am not used to skiing. Brink said imagine that you can. And I did and I did ski in the powder snow Lesson believe in yourself.....it helps. Judgement is what stays with me from today. How often I make judgements. I am especially aware of this because I am in a new place. Meeting so many new people. So many judgements about everything. People,food,places weather,attitudes etc. When I judge I separate I am no longer present. Lesson 2 observe and enjoy no judgement. I am a stranger here myself and God isn't finished with any of us.