My husband and I flew to California Saturday night with our 2 dogs. The trip was smooth. Rio, a Labrador retriever, appeared in baggage claim at LAX with his usual May You Be Happy smile. We woke in our friend’s guest room to pacific songbirds and warm air. This died and gone to heaven moment kept up through the day as I gasped at the colors , vegetation and California.. Everything changes. The Patriots loss that night was a harsh reminder. We have come for the intention of doing work and getting healthy. Rebooting, I call it. I have a rewriting deadline that I am eager to begin. I scanned the Internet and found a house in the mountains. A place with a room to work. All the comments said that the house was so much better than the pictures showed so I had confidence we had chosen well. When we arrived yesterday early evening I followed the instruction to retrieve the key inside the lock box attached to the meat stained BarBQ. In the small back yard a tire swung on a chain from the oak tree. Reminiscent of a tire I had seen in a baboon cage at the Bronx Zoo. A few plastic children’s toys and garbage strewn across the yard. I feel a tightening in my gut. This was not turning out as I had hoped. The front door swung open and the house room by room began to upset me. There was no cozy workroom, no desk lamp, and no space that I could find to feel safe or settle into. The toilet did not flush and the house was cluttered with someone else’s taste. In meditation this morning I wanted to focus on emotion. The sensation of unease I had felt all night and morning was tightening in my pelvis and ran along my arms. As I repeated, “May I be happy” I felt the choice before me: hold onto the incessant thoughts of my renter’s remorse or allow myself to be released into a letting go which was free of time and especially space. That is the present.
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Day 11
Finding the time to meditate as I started on this journey I thought was going to be hard because most of the month I was going to be traveling and taking care of Grandchildren. If I listen to my interior voice and what I need I seem to be able to find the time naturally. I am surprised. What seems to be hard is to stay in myself to be who I am. These next few days I am in a very small lodge srrounded by family and friends 8 miles up a valley outside of Salt Lake City Peolpe have been coming here for years skiing with their families. I am definitely the new kid on the block although Brink has ben coming for years. Complex...... old friends ,new friends,children ,grandchildren ,inlaws ,,outlaws....
It has been interesting to see how these few days of medication is helping me in this very intense social environment to feel comfortable with choices that seem iright for me. Mindfulness. Powerful.
Day 10
Am now in Alta. Spent he day traveling here. All went smoothly. Each new place I have to find my place to be my place to meditate. I had imagined that it would be hard but as it is evolving I seemed to find my place in my travels.
Lesson .....be here now don't get ahead of yourself. Lesson 2 today is to be mindful you need to be available and you can't be available if your body is tight. I was so aware today of how often I hold parts of my body tight. As I meditated tonight I tried to let go of every part of my body. Keep it going .....be available and receptive and open and listening and mindful. I am in a small and tight lodge up a valley in Utah. Very tight quarters full of folks and family. At the moment I am feeling confident that I can find my space to meditate and write and breath and be mindful.
I have just arrived. Stay tuned.
Day 9
Last day in Aspen. Fresh powder on the mountain and snowing. I was able to incorporate the moves learned from the day before and ski in conditions that I have not been able to ski in before. Exhilarating. A friend joined us to ski. She is someone I have known for a long time but have always had a hard time connecting to in a meaningful way.
Looking back on the day I felt a sadness for not connecting. Lesson learned I should have just been present and let evole what may instead of wanting something else . As Lucinda said "may I be happy with what is".
When we are fully present we know when we need to just be and when we need to move mountains.
Day 8
Starting yesterday and then continuing today I am aware that as I become more present I am able to listen to
my inner voice that is wise and follow her advice. Yesterday as I was about to take the last run down something inside me said take the gondola down you are tired. Normally I would want to be tough with the guys but this time I listened and rode down and was happy I did. Today when I woke up my insides said stay home and so I did and met Brink and friends for lunch up on the mountain for lunch after taking a few runs on my own. Wonderful and then after lunch I think because I was settled inside I was able to learn a ski move that has escaped me for years.
And then tonight i listened to what was right for me to do instead of joining a friend in what she wanted to do and then we met both centered for dinner. Grateful to be on this journey and having listened to the call.
Renter
Lucinda,
Your post brought up some interesting feelings for me. I've not had quite the experience you describe but on a lesser level, I've encountered similar conditions upon arriving at a vacation condo or hotel and had that disappointment after so much anticipation. I really felt your pain! Good on you that you were able to work to the present.