I am deeply grateful for Sharon’s comment. Thank you Sharon. I feel a glimmer of hope.
My busy mind has a question. How can I know if I am using right effort if I have attempted to split the wood 50, 60, or 99 times and it hasn’t split?
I am not sure what I think about this post, but I will post it anyway.
Sometimes I have weird thoughts when meditating. Well, I could probably put it in perspective, it cannot be that weird because if I have thought I know others who have also had it. I have moments of feeling that time does not exist. Or that the past, present, and future are here now, all at once. Sometimes I feel as though I am my older self, I am my older self looking back on myself. The older self misses or mourns the moment in my life (where my current self is right now) when I am in the process of growing, changing, and fumbling about in naivety.
For all that I wish to be free of my shackles, at the same time it is as if there is something sweet about experiencing a broad range of emotion and fumbling around mindlessly, and I think that this is part of what I hold onto. Part of it is that I do not want to let go.
I agree with what you said Sarah. Something i like about meditation is that all my emotions, thoughts, feelings become so real. I can go no where but to face them right there.Sitting allows me to have a glimpse of what’s there .. that moment … It can be messy and I might not like what I see, feel, think. But I guess I need to try accepting everything that is . It is like a good inner workout.These days, I find it very hard to sit in the morning for an hour straight, so I have cut it down to twenty-thirty minutes. Well, will go with the flow. Meditation has become part of my life, just like drinking water in the morning. I try not to think too much about what I drink and why. I assume that it is a part of maintaining my health and keep me survive. Sometimes, I might not drink enough water but nonetheless I survive … Still i wish I have drank enough so that my body can be well nourished and balance. I will do what i can …