I'm on my way to a yoga retreat and ended up having a layover in Houston. That was okay. Thanks to my wonderful friend, Paula, I found a hotel room quickly and easily. So I fell asleep for all of twenty minutes. So very tired. But then woke with my heart pounding.
Where am I?? What am I doing here?!? Another night in another strange place. Alone.
So I began to meditate. I breathed deeply in and out. Counted Oms. Felt calmer. After a few minutes I fell back to sleep. Ah meditation works!
Ten minutes later I woke again sweating. Hot heart pounding. And all of those awful midnight thoughts came crashing in. What am I doing?? Why am I traveling about the country? Why not stay home and do yoga there? What's wrong with me? What am I trying to do? My new project is okay but isn't it simply a way to get through these days? I Have to do some thing, right? Otherwise, I will sit on the couch and watch continuous episodes of The Closer and Revenge and any other heart-stopping-action-packed-take-my-mind-off-my-life television. And eat chocolate and gain lots of weight and get lazier and lazier and then what?? Why don't I write a book? I always thought I would! What’s wrong with me? Panic. Loneliness and it is now two am and I have an early wake up call for my missed flight.
So aaaaah. This is the darkness running underneath my life.
And I have a good life. Friends- well maybe I don't see them enough but they are there. Three sons. Good work. Work that might make a difference in some persons life. A good man. A dog. A house A kitty car who wants to purr next to me.
So I begin meditating. And after fifteen minutes of self compassion. I don’t really know what I'm doing but I tried to be my own best friend. To soothe myself. To act as though I was a beloved friend to myself.
I meditate on this kindness to myself. How little I allow. How hard I work myself and then give myself a break of watching television. But never enough
Twenty minutes of loving kindness and slept well through the night.
Thank you for making me do this practice!