A friend asked why I would avoid meditation--especially since it was twenty minutes of peace and quiet. His question stayed with me, all day. And when I took a seat this evening, it came up again.
At first, I didn't know what to answer. But, then the old sadness came back....if I sit and do no-thing; if I sit and focus only on breath, or the deep stillness here in this isolated mountain cabin, I am reminded....of all the times that I have felt I was not enough. All the times that I have wondered what mattered? How to connect? How to do something that was powerful and meaningful and full of passion.
Oh, god, that last. Full of passion. I DO so many things--I paint, I draw, I read, I exercise, I call friends, I eat and talk and occasionally all these activities coalesce around a "project," such as a film. But, sometimes, they don't. And even when they do, they don't seem enough.
This is scary and makes me feel small and unimportant and as though I don't count and will disappear. So, I get restless and active and THROW myself into making phone calls, and connections and "making something happen" that will give my life purpose, meaning.
Meditating--sitting still and focusing only on the breath ---reminds me of the exhaustion of this never-ending search for purpose. For meaning. It reminds me of this fundamental feeling of what? I can't say, really.
I do know that if I were my friend, that I would feel sad to know that these feelings surfaced. If I were my friend, I would WANT to spend time with me....I would want to look at the sketches of the morning sun--I would be interested in the activities that called out to me. I WOULD NOT JUDGE THEM AS NOT BEING ENOUGH.
So, I began to say a mantra about treating my own self with lovingkindness. This made me cry.
I drive my self so hard, never enough, never enough. It is an old old and outworn way of being. It does not serve. I can let it go. I can be my own dearest friend.
And what happens if my deepest fears are then realized: that unless I drive myself with an iron will and restless fury, I will not contribute. I will not make a difference in the world. I will not make another movie, or write the book I always thought I would. What then?
Maybe it is time to find out.
I meditated for twenty two minutes today.
Comments
When I first started
When I first started meditating I barely recognized the anger and grief and fear within me, but was being made terribly unhappy by them. Meditation of course did reveal those feelings, and at first I judged myself a lot for them. Gradually I learned to identify more with awareness of each feeling, with compassion towards the pain of them, rather than with the feeling itself. "I am a fearful person and always will be" became much more like "I can be aware of even this difficult feeling that is arising right now," and then "I can bring compassion instead of judgment to this painful state happening right now." I found a home in my own awareness and compassion.
avoiding Nothingness
I LOVE the notion that Meditation reveals those feelings. The popular conception is that meditation will make you feel calm and centered. HA! Not so much my experience---sitting brings up guilt, and fear and panic SOMETIMES, for me.
I feel really really happy that this meditating thing can be a tool to "investigate' those feelings, to lean into them, as opposed to a way of getting rid of them. I know enough from therapy to know that a feeling revealed is a feeling healed...and did not realize the extant that meditation reveals or allows the revelation of these feelings.
This is exciting and hopeful and I am grateful to you and to all the other bloggers to be participating in this! I know, I know, I should have already gathered this lesson, but did NOT till day thirteen. Up to that point, most of my sits have been calm islands of stillness. I didn't feel I was avoiding difficult feelings, but, maybe I was. Maybe I am so used to pushing them out of the way, burying them deep in my belly that they only began to creep out as I get more comfortable with sitting--more comfortable and less-self congratulatory about the fact that I am sitting (instead of running around like that very strong jack-rabbit getting so many things done!)
I noticed that you are in Boulder today at the Boulder Book Store, Sharon. I have two sons who attend CU Boulder. They both are interested in meditation and have done some. I will tell them to go buy your book!
Thanks for Sharing
Your post really touched me. Thank you for sharing that. I have experienced those same thoughts...feelings. Lovingkindness for ourselves. Not something I really thought about....until I started meditating. It is a work in progress for me. Thank you.
on Avoiding Nothing-ness
Tracy:
Thanks for writing. I am glad that my experience meant something to you. This is the gift of community--that if we share what is deepest and darkest and share it willingly, we have a chance to connect--to leave the isolation.
I also, found that once I wrote that post, I actually FELT better. I have often felt that meditation is supposed to make me feel better--more calm, centered. But, I THINK I am beginning to see that it gives me the opportunity to STAY with the difficult feelings--in this case, a sense of not being "enough." STAYING with this feeling, leaning into it....seems to have taken away some of its DREADFULNESS.
So, thanks, Again to all of you in the Meditation Challenge. Thanks for being my people, my community, thanks for going on this journey into the inner-space with me!