I did a walking meditation. I know, this was supposed to be a couple of weeks ago. But, I am often behind and did not think it would hurt to try it now.
I walked, slowly, up the hill, on an iced-over road. Left foot--heel, curled to toes, toes digging in, then right. Back and forth. Slowly.
I needed this walking meditation because of what came before. My friend and I had planned this walk. We had agreed on the time. But, one thing led to another. And I was quite late. He was quite annoyed. I apologized. But, I also began to explain why I had been late. OH NO.
I pride myself on telling the truth. I feel I look at 'the way things are' pretty well. But, no. I often am late. I let things take me away from my plans. I actually am living in a deluded relationship to time.
Pay attention. I had promised I would be ready to go and had not been. I again, told him I was sorry. And I asked him to tell me how I had upset him. He said it seemed I thought my time was more valuable than his...
No no no. I honestly did not and do not think that. It pained me to have him feel this way. We walked. And I began to realize that I have a very idealized notion of how long it takes me to get from point A to B. I am usually late. It is a habit. Anxiety creeping in again--did I get this done? What about that water? Go turn off the computer. Better put on a sweater. On and on.
But, the main thing is that I am not facing reality. I do not look at the time. I do not plan. I just hope for the best and the best is that while I might be 'productive' I often run late.
So, take a look at that. Don't beat myself up. No, don't feel shame. Just take a look. What would it feel like to honor my commitments in a timely manner?
I am going to practice facing reality--for example--I think that I will spend fifteen minutes writing and in fact, it is often more like twenty five. Or I say, I will be right down and ready to go, then find myself pulled in an opposite direction so that it actually takes twenty minutes.
Pay attention. Practice lovingkindness to myself for this delusion. Practice respect and lovingkindness to those who count on me (to be on time).