Another gorgeous day of blue skies and clear air. Yet, I had been feeling a little down. Restless. I dealt with this by stirring things up. Oh, an old habit and it truly no longer serves me. My friend, Larry repaired the CD player and I danced to DIRE STRAITS and wanted him to dance with me. He was uncomfortable and yet I pushed. I wanted company and wanted him to enjoy moving with me even when I saw that he was not. I let it go but withdrew just a little. OOOH, notice that! Me who accuses my father of leaving at the first sign of any disagreement!
But, truly, is it SO important that he dance with me? We do so many other things together with great pleasure. Okay, let it go and let go, too of the fear that we may not want to influence each other or more—be open to trying what the other loves. Just be with what is.
So, the meditation was after this encounter. I sat for thirty three minutes. Ninety OMS! So, that works out to three breaths per minute. I probably counted wrong the other day. Three breaths is fine.
I always hesitate to begin meditating. I fear BOREDOM. Yet, these last few times, I have not been bored. And that lingering poutiness about the dance disappeared. How? Maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to feel my way to a bigger experience of myself—one that is less dependent on every little hurt and slight and the next new thing and stirring up problems and new activity -–to what?? Something about being peaceful within the moment.
I’m not at all sure I understand this, nor even if it is such a good thing.
I understand that meditation is about letting the thoughts come and go. I am actually pretty good or pretty at ease with this. I like focusing on the breath or on OMs. I don’t find myself getting too caught up in an associative train of thought. I guess I have to be content with this for now.
The other thing that I did try was to send lovingkindness to lots of people in my life. I pictured my mother—who died twenty one years ago. I pictured her in her typical hurry, always on to the next activity and NEVER ENOUGH TIME…I’m late, I’m late for a very important DATE! Oh, and how she made sure we were all involved in her flurry and anxiety. There, there, Mother, it’s okay. It’s okay.
And down the line: each of my sisters, my friend, Larry, my Dad, my brother, his wife… to each I sent out a gesture of calming, of soothing. There, there-- it’s okay. Everything is okay.
I sent the same gesture to myself. Lovingkindness to my own stirring up self!
This is all such a mystery. I’m curious to see what tomorrow’s meditation brings.