It has been almost another 28 days, and I am happy to report that I’m sitting strong. It’s not always a 45 minute sit, and not always peaceful, but even if I can only manage 10 minutes, I am more and more devoted to giving myself the time to just sit, just breathe.
It’s been a stressful month. I am in the midst of promoting to 3rd degree black belt, which in my school is not so much a test of strength as one of sincerity. Still, there is ever more material to memorize. And one feels like a bug under glass for the entire month. We joke that it is our grandmaster’s way of making sure we eat, sleep and breathe karate for a time.
It is a tradition in our school to spend one of our promotion nights training with the developmentally disabled. It is a tradition too, that our grandmaster remind us to take a lesson from their child-like behavior, their enthusiasm and openness. After all, we are wearing white belts for the duration of our promotion. We are beginners again. We enter the dojo with respect, leaving our troubles at the door. But our joy? No one ever asked or admonished us to leave that behind.
Because I have been meditating, I decided to attend the grandmaster’s meditation class, which I haven’t done since I went for my Nidan promotion, at least 4 years ago. Sitting on the seiza bench was so much easier than I remember it. And the sitting time flew, instead of seeming unendurable. I took joy in the melody of the Japanese flute recording our grandmaster has been playing since I first started training here, 20 odd years ago. I took joy in the Zen ceremony.
When I was a child I couldn’t understand how my father could go to the same job day after day after day. The idea of repetition was almost repulsive to me. Now of course, I take comfort in the things that don’t change, because so much does. When I can count on something, something as small as the sound of the fans bringing a brush of air to my face while I sit still and silent on the dojo floor, when I can count on something as familiar as my breath, I can for a moment feel safe, happy.