I have not felt like blogging. I could not muster it up and all I could think was I don’t want to blog about my experience right now. I have been feeling down and in turn very hard on myself – which is what I have a tendency to do. Things just feel like they keep piling up and I can’t see the forest for the trees. It is a very familiar, and even at times – comfortable place for me. I realize that sounds odd. I have this little girl in me who feels unlovable, not a good person, can’t even get herself out of the dumps…etc…..so I have just been trying to be with these feelings and where they are coming from. The stories are familiar….and it has been interesting to watch them come and go. I was talking with my sister, who is going through a lot right now. She is so amazing and I am so lucky to have her for a sister. She is in counseling and it is hard….I have been there….and difficult emotions are hard to be with…but they are also the ones…..when you can just sit with them….hold them….hold that little girl….let the tears out….let a smile out because little girls are so cute…..when you acknowledge the hurt, anger, frustration…be with whatever it is….at that moment…it is easier….it feels better….my heart opens. When I cannot…or do not…..when I distract myself…do anything but be with whatever it is….my heart is closed and I feel more resentful, sad, angry. It is not a nice place to be.
I was leading our meditation group on Monday night and my reading was “Rejoicing In Things as They Are”. No matter what they are. I included this in a blog recently and it has been on my mind. Because I have a tendency to be a negative thinker. Focusing on the things I don’t do….or do badly….I really get caught in beating myself up and I forget about or do not acknowledge the lovely, wonderful things. Apparently…..feel free to have a good laugh here……I really like to suffer!! After I finished the reading….I talked about the negativity in my thinking etc….that it is such a struggle for me. One of the people there said that he would like to follow me around for a day….and actually count how many times I smile at people or make someone smile or laugh….because the list would be soooooooooo long. He would like to do that with a Geiger counter. Now that made me laugh. It was a very lovely thing to hear…..I love to make people laugh or smile…..and I do that…..and I really needed to hear that….at that moment. It helped. I have some of the most lovely people in my life.
I was driving home from work today….it was a pretty nice day….one of the girls had a birthday….we had a potluck….and a lot of fun. How nice is that! The day had its moments….they all do…..and just as I was going to leave….something occurred…and I was very tense. I was judging someone….I was anxious and I couldn’t let go of it. All I could think was how can you do that. I left…and on the way home….I really was not happy with how judgmental I was of this person….and I knew that this was not about them…..what was this about. It was about this little girl….who never felt loved…who felt abandoned…that if she didn’t do the right things…if she wasn’t good enough….she would be left behind….and I just held her.
I look forward to the week of lovingkindness