Right now I'm tired and frustrated.  I'm basically working two jobs, and though the second is temporary, it's taking me away from timely meals, time with loved ones, and time from my sits.  I'm juggling life/work related things and life/self-nurturing/self-help/healing related things.  Juggling too much of anything is no good, for this girl.  And yet, I fall into that trap.  There's something about wanting to keep pushing through no matter what, if it means in the end I feel better about myself; if it means I'm mentally and spiritually healthier, then so be it.  But there's something wrong with this picture: 1) I keep doing the same thing and expecting different results; 2) I never really make as much forward motion as I desire, because I'm not giving my full attention to one self-stuff at a time.

And now I can feel in my stomach this pit of sadness and beating myself up.  Sigh...

So, last night I sat on my cushion to meditate, then I decided to move and laid down to do a meditation body scan.  I started from the soles of my feet and gradually moved up from there.  When I got to my pelvis/navel area, I could not move any further.  As much as I tried to focus and continue up the ladder of my body, I kept finding myself right back to the pelvis.  I didn't fight it, just watched it all happen for a while, then went to sleep.

This morning I thought about it, and wondered whether I was just tired -- but that didn’t feel right to me.  I started thinking about how long ago I started down this road of self-improvement and meditation; where I was then as opposed to where I am now; AND this coming Sunday is my birthday.  49, and I feel like my life is pretty much over.  Every time I got stuck at the navel it felt to me like I was right back where I had been all those years ago.  My pelvic area has been subjected to more trauma and sadness than one person should experience.  Perhaps I’ve spent my life doing all the self-stuff just to feel better about that area of my body.  I’m really not clear how this all ties in…

All I can do right now is sit.  Despite the experiences in my life, courage has been the #1 resource I can count on (even when I’m kicking and screaming).  The courage to go back with loving-kindness, and do a gentle body scan.  I'll try to end this evening not doing just being.  This is my way of bucking-up a little...perhaps I don't need to be courageous now, and just let myself be sad.