I can see how this whole meditation challenge is another way for me to try to be a “good girl”.
I remember as a child wanting to leave this life. I just remember telling my mum: “There’s been a mistake. I shouldn’t be here. I was never supposed to come back. I want to go back!”. I kept saying to mum:”There is no love here! Where is love? Why do people fight so much?”
Eventually, when my grand dad passed away I realised how sad death was for people. I was shocked. I was happy for my grand pa. But I understood my mother’s sadness. So I stopped complaining. I just tried to be a good girl so mum would be happy and dad would not be angry. My half sisters would like me and my half brother would stop saying we’re not related to his friends. The light of my life was and still is my little brother. I know he came so we could be a team.
Life has hurt me so much: sexual abuse, rejection, betrayal, loneliness, etc. Each crack… Let more light inside my heart. Each crack… Expanded my capacity for love. Each crack… Brought me closer to love. Today I understand my heart was cracked open so I can give, so I can understand that Love is abundant. To teach me, when I thought Love was absent, that Love is endless. Love is everywhere. It’s like breaking one’s heart simply expands its capacity. Love loses no battles, ever!
Listening to the sounds around me tonight, I could only hear my breath. The breath of a 4 year old who wanted the world to be love… I will honor her wishes, I will let my inner child be the Love she remembers from before this life. The love she so vividly feels in her bones. The Love she always wanted to see here.