It is late my body hates me-28 day meditation

The last two years I have blogged during the 28 days of meditation challenge. This year Ive been meditating with my husband Charlie.

I was diagnosed with a very painful disease several years ago, last year I was once again diagnosed with another painful and debilitating disease. The 28 days challenge has brought on a  new challenge that I didnt see coming. I’m going to have major surgery, I’ll be under for 4-10 hours in surgery.

This has been my first post this year because my body has taken over. I have never imagine this kind of physical and mental pain this would bring. This truly is suffering. Somehow though I’ve brought myself to post this blog.

Its been hard to come here. I’ve asked myself, how much can I offer when all I do is battle. I mean I have to be a warrior with the strength of many men to wake up each day. I don’t want any pity but I do want to whine and moan. I’ve kept it in for so long, this silent struggle.layers apon layers of pain. I’ve wondered how much more can I handle? What can I give to people, I barely can give to myself.

I have to live in each moment, I have no choice. It’s like tiny pieces of wisdom are born from each day.

Ive been sick for so long now-and it’s not getting any better. Finding balance in a place where suffering is overwelming is a true gift.

Ive practiced Buddhism for many years. Each year my body is failing me more and more. It’s as though the pain has become a source of peace. I’m trapped in my body. My mind and spirit have evolved, even though my body has imprisoned me.

Nothing in my life could have ever taught me that through suffering I would have little remnants of what is happiness. Its like an oyster-suffering is making a tiny piece of sand into a pearl. It takes patience, perception,time and the ability to soften the hardness into something that is smooth and beautiful.

This is all I’ve got for now.

-Summer