Just the way I am…

When I did today’s meditation I was not able to walk.  I decided to just sit and reflect on this past weekend where I walked in very large crowds.  I allowed the flow of memories of specific people and groups of people to flow through my awareness.  As I did this I noticed something:

I was trying to create a feeling in my body that aligned with the hope I shared for this person (or people).  May you be well.  May you be peaceful.  I was literally fighting against the tight spots in my own body.  My tight chest, my tight shoulders, my clinched jaw.  Trying to make those places something other than what they were in the moment.

Being in crowds is hard for me.  In fact, it doesn’t even need to be a crowd.  Sometimes being around people is just darn hard for me.  I feel a lot of energy and my body has created some patterns to brace against that at times. As I noticed this I recognized a choice.  I could try and share loving kindness without changing any sensation in my own body.  I decided to allow what was tight and hard and clenched to stay that way.  To just be.

What a curious experiment.  To just be, as I am, right now, sharing loving kindness with others and myself.  Just the way I am, in this moment.