PTSD- words, control, thinking

Planning,thinking,thinking thinking….
I was diagnosed with PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder several years ago. I deal with a lot of anxiety even in the beauty of meditation.
I can feel the panic in my chest. The thoughts in my head are trying to overwhelm me. Control….
Even the ‘in’, ‘out’ tightens the reigns of control.
Having solace in the small moments where I am just here, not over there where my brain wants to be in control.
The small breaths ‘in’,’out’ become bigger and slowly as I go deeper into meditation. There is no controlling or anxiety. I forget about the next moment. Somehow the little notations of ‘in’, ‘out’ just flows.
The aggressive nature of having these very intrusive thoughts and panic of having let go of ‘CONTROL’ fade away with the peace of letting go.
Forgetting about what I will write about after meditation spins away in the moment. I am not defeated. I am not giving in. I am just here, where the beauty of the present allows all of the anxiety be in the past. Even now when writing, I’m not thinking. Each stroke of my finger to the keyboard is an act of this moment.
I am mindful that this is also finite. That this is peace.

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May all beings be happy ♡