I sat comfortably on my couch to invite in some difficult emotions. (I'm sorry but that sounds like I am incredibly disturbed or ridiculously lucky). Once I listened to sounds and noticed some breaths to bring myself into the present moment… I just barely was starting to you know, mindfully and calmly invite any 'undesirable' emotions and or thoughts that wanted to… BAAAMMM!!, there it was, in my face yelling and punching (did you see the FIghter? Oh my god, you must–this was like a boxing match, only I didn't know I was in it). This thing-this ambush, was so close, I couldn't even fully see it, but knew if I had a difficult emotion THAT fired up to see me, I wanted one of the other ones hanging out playing on their phones in the back of the room. I stayed calm, when the synapses in my face all cleared, there it was, WORRY, who apparently had been waiting for this moment. Right away I felt the skin on my forehead scrunched and holding tight.
And then it came:
"See! I know you think meditation and XM radio in your leathered out Lexus was going to shut me out. HA. Here I am old friend! Speaking of OLD…" and, "Well lets face it Daphne, the good times are probably over–" and "And what if–!", "Your good moods aren't changing the FACT that–", and "To be honest I really don't see you in–" (to be clear, in the actual sit, the sentences were of course completed, and there were plenty of them).
Now my cheeks are scrunched and tense with my forehead, my stomach seems to be doing one long, unending contraction (it's never this good in the gym when I wanna do actual sit ups) and I am not breathing.
Worry went on, "You know if you were someone else you'd probably not be in this predicament." Ah, it's a party, Inner Critic is here too, adding on.
My chest, also known as the heart area, is now caved in and motionless-I mean truly shut down and boarded up, any life in there has fled-…the very same heart area that was pumping with joy and energy at the gym earlier. That was wide open and excited about life, singing classic rock and roll in the car last weekend.
I COME BACK TO MY BREATH….I am aware that I am breathing in….I feel the sofa beneath me. I appreciate my mindfulness here (huge understatement). I remind myself I am choosing to sit and experience Worry. I notice I STOP myself from shooting back with zingers of founded positivity to disprove Worry's scenario (and Inner Critic's tourette-like add ons). I know that the point is to see it, investigate it, Worry wants to be heard, I can listen. Some of the words create dread, I have memories of my elementary school yard… I notice my breath, I listen to the cars out my window. My skull is tight, the tension is familiar, from eons ago-the days of school yards and an empty house, and then a thought, "I'm not enough." I am breathing, it's okay…
And my eyes are moist in remembering me as a little girl. That's when she first clenched her stomach.
I can see that I feel her, and that Worry, with its present day words has brought her to me, and today, I can witness her, wait for the panic and sadness to subside, I'll simply stay. I am showing her she IS enough, without doubt.
I notice a gentle calm throughout my body. A little girl is asleep soundly. Where is Worry?…Tuckered out too. I never hit back. So here we are. Here I am, feeling like a more whole picture of me.
