This morning I came into to my living room at 7:40am. Sleepy still, and slow, and happy to be sitting in my lovely peaceful living room with the morning light coming in through the skylights. "I'll just do a little sit before my dentist appointment. Ah, here I am. How nice, this challenge. What a gift."
I set the timer, the Tibetan gong goes three times now, then three gongs will come again in 20 minutes.
Sitting for barely a breath I notice my hands pulsating around a stone given to me by a friend who travels to India all the time. She gave me this smooth oval stone a few weeks ago to meditate with, the same morning she tied a strand of Tulsi beads around my wrist. Feminine energy, she said. Then I notice I have energy in my legs, a buzzing, and in my arms, and an excitement in my chest. I feel like a plane starting up to leave the jetway. Legs, check. Arms, on, excitement, yes, all systems go. Wait. Breathe. Just breathe, you're not going anywhere, you're going to sit right here, for about 19 more minutes. Breathing, I feel the air come down into my body as my heart area rises to make room. I love this sensation so much.
Then the energy in me is even more activated and my thought is now planning: "I know what we'll do, we'll go to our friend's house and read each other's tarot cards! I have such a beautiful deck! That'll be fun, and meaningful! And maybe I'll get an important message from the cards, ooh, better yet I'll read HER an important message from the cards! Yes, she'll admire me! Ah! Spiritual excitement!"
I am aware I'm off and I INHALE. I am breathing IN, I am breathing out. There, that's one. I'm breathing in–
But this is spiritual! Sharon Salzberg wouldn't mind this kind of thinking!! It's all good! I'm your gift in this sit!
GET BACK HERE AND NOTE this b r e a t h…. and then note this…IN…and…
Okay, I note it! I'm just 'right here with you'. Oooh, and look, I see turquoise! See, it's in the breath, a vision! You can't shut THAT out, it was in your actual breath!
Oh my god. GET OUT. With all my focus muscles I am fighting for one breath. One un dressed up breath.
I am not dealing with "drifting off" or being in the "ooze". This is grabbing, yanking, and shoving. Fine. I can and will notice several breaths in a row starting now. IN…
This stone in my hand, I wonder what powers it really has in it….or is all that stuff just wishing…projections by humans who, god knows we need things to project upon! But, maybe–
FORGET the stone! I YANK back to the breath. IN. PAUSE. OOUUTTT. And another one…nice….smooth….It's working, I've noticed a couple breaths. I've won…my thoughts are quieter, I made it….
GONG…GONG…GONG.
Yep. Saved by the bell. THANK GOD. I open my eyes, in the odd sensation that I've been in a wrestling match, all that activity, but the living room is how I last saw it…I stretch out long and hard and wonder what the hell that was.
