Struggle to Take My Seat Today

Iʻm struggling to take my seat on the cushion today.

Here’s the truth: I’ve struggled to take my seat on the cushion MANY days this month. So much resistance. Mental resistance. I don’t want to sit right now. Physical resistance. My body is tight and sore and I don’t think I CAN take my seat on the cushion right now. But of course, I CAN sit. Right here. On my chair. I don’t even need to get up from my desk. Just darken the screen of my computer monitor (I’m easily distracted.) And begin.

So why the resistance? Is it because I’m lazy? Or weak? Or maybe because I’m on the verge of something big, standing on a precipice that I don’t feel I’m ready for?

Maybe. Maybe it’s all of the above. Or maybe it’s just simple: There are days when I don’t WANT to do something. And then I have a choice: I can honor that feeling and NOT do the thing I’m resisting. Or I can encourage myself to do it anyway.

So what will happen today? Will I let another day pass without sitting? Will I encourage myself to be still for a few minutes?

I think I’ll sit. It may not be fun. My thoughts may race around, making it an uncomfortable experience. (But you know what? They’re racing around already. Maybe a few minutes of silence would be a good thing.) My body may ache while I’m sitting. (But you know what? It aches already, tired bones and stiff muscles since I woke up. Seriously. Am I running marathons in my sleep?)

I’ll sit. Because all of this “other stuff” is already happening. And I’ve been told that sitting isn’t a means of escape. Or even a means of making a situation different.

I’ll sit because I can be right here, right now. Right in the middle of all of this stuff. Right in the middle of all of this resistance.

Right on.

May we all be safe. May we all be healthy. May we all be happy. May we all dwell in peace.

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