I recognize that there is a deeply carved groove of patterned thinking that creates dukkha for me. I have been working with it on several fronts and recognize that there is less intensity or power to affect me. It is like filling in the grand canyon with sediment, little by little to change the neural pathways that have been so practiced. I sometimes become discouraged by the slow progress/process, but then I realize that it is just more wanting, more clinging that is occurring … clinging to a desired outcome and not being here now.
And, in addition, there are moments when the pain repeats the old stories that can be summarized in the word/experience of unworthiness and I launch into just wanting outside validation which may or may not come and even if it does come, it doesn’t fill the hole of wanting, though it may feel good for a while.