as i write this

i have tear-filled eyes

i just did one of my most-dreaded, most-feared practices

a body scan meditation

something i avoid

something that’s always been too dangerous

too vulnerable

i’ve been working hard at learning the skill

of self-compassion

something i’ve struggled with all my life

why is it so easy to be there for another

when it’s so terribly hard to offer the same compassion

to the self?

i didn’t want to do it

i wanted to do it

i needed to do it

to try it

to see what would happen

i played a recording,

i knew i would struggle to stay present

if i did it myself

just like old times:

as soon as the voice began leading me

through the body

i checked out

this is too painful.

i don’t like my body.

i don’t want to be in this body that has failed me

in so many ways.

come back, jason.  come back.

just breathe.

and so i listened

and did my best to stay with the voice

stay with the body

touching with awareness

all of the parts of me

the neutral parts

the parts too charged with pain to stay for very long

and breathing

trying to breathe

watching how the breath deepened and grew shallow

and then deepened again

and something happened

a shift

a sense of fragility

this body

this body that i struggle with

this body is trying to do the best it can

i could see it from an

outsider’s eye

only for a moment

but a precious moment.

oh, body,

(my body)

may you be safe

may you be healthy

may you be happy

may you dwell in peace.