as i write this
i have tear-filled eyes
i just did one of my most-dreaded, most-feared practices
a body scan meditation
something i avoid
something that’s always been too dangerous
too vulnerable
i’ve been working hard at learning the skill
of self-compassion
something i’ve struggled with all my life
why is it so easy to be there for another
when it’s so terribly hard to offer the same compassion
to the self?
i didn’t want to do it
i wanted to do it
i needed to do it
to try it
to see what would happen
i played a recording,
i knew i would struggle to stay present
if i did it myself
just like old times:
as soon as the voice began leading me
through the body
i checked out
this is too painful.
i don’t like my body.
i don’t want to be in this body that has failed me
in so many ways.
come back, jason. come back.
just breathe.
and so i listened
and did my best to stay with the voice
stay with the body
touching with awareness
all of the parts of me
the neutral parts
the parts too charged with pain to stay for very long
and breathing
trying to breathe
watching how the breath deepened and grew shallow
and then deepened again
and something happened
a shift
a sense of fragility
this body
this body that i struggle with
this body is trying to do the best it can
i could see it from an
outsider’s eye
only for a moment
but a precious moment.
oh, body,
(my body)
may you be safe
may you be healthy
may you be happy
may you dwell in peace.
